The Reality of Relationships

 

When I was younger, having a relationship, whether it be romantically or just being close with others, was always like a dream for when I got older, but the more I got older, the more that dream started to look more like just a fantasy. When I was younger, I would always watch television and movies. Some of the shows and movies would show just friends having fun together or relationships where they are in love with each other, but as I’ve grown up and the more I have experienced, whether it be from personal experience or me witnessing it or hearing it, the less I want to be in any type of relationship and just see it as a fantasy. Basically, what I’m saying is that I used to think that relationships were all good and would make you happier, but now I feel like I can be happier without having so many.

 

I first started to change the way I feel about relationships when I started to notice that some of the people around me didn’t really mess with me and were just around me because of the other people who were around me. For instance, there was one person I knew at the time. I used to talk to a lot of people back then, so me and that person had mutual friends. I noticed that they didn’t treat me the same way they treated everyone else, and that they only hung out with me when other people were with me. I was soon told how that person would badmouth me behind my back and ask my friends why they hung around me. They were confused as to why they would say that since they thought me and that person were friends, but in reality, they didn’t really like me. My friends then proceeded to tell me what they said, and I told them that it was OK for them not to worry about it. That made me less social because I felt like I shouldn’t try to build relationships with so many people because it only leads to problems. As I started talking to fewer people, I started to notice that my life wasn’t as eventful, but it was also more peaceful, which was better for me but also something new to me. As I grew older, I witnessed many toxic relationships, such as abuse, cheating, constant arguing, and so on. For instance, I remember this one time when I was probably 5 years old and my older brother was watching me since my mom had to go out to do something. He was watching me with his girlfriend at the time, and I was just playing the game on the floor next to the bed. After an hour or so, I remember them arguing in the room right next to me and just hearing them screaming at each other. The fighting then started to escalate when they came out of the room and started arguing in front of me. They continued to argue, which led to her starting to hit him and grab him. He then started to push her hand away every time she went to hit him. That really stuck with me because it showed me how bad a relationship can get no matter how long it has been, and no one that wasn’t there will know about it. A relationship I used to wish I had was with the kid next door. Even though it was fake, the relationship wasn’t something unrealistic. I believe that those various factors may have played a role in why my perspective has shifted, because I’m now just very pessimistic about it. I see that if something like that has happened to someone close to me, then why would it not happen to me? I sometimes wonder if it is trauma or that I just have seen it for myself, so I know it can happen to anyone and my feelings towards wanting some are just numb or not there. With all that in mind, I have had relationships with many people, be it romantic or friends, but it isn’t the same as it used to be. No matter who the person is or how good of a human being they are, there will always be thoughts in the back of my mind just thinking about the worst, and it is very draining to be like that, so it makes me want to stay to myself more. I have several friends that I know that wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but for some reason, those thoughts still come to mind and I know they shouldn’t but they do, which makes me feel like this is all just a factor of me being scared to get hurt. I never really had a moment in my life that I can say really broke me because of the way I am now, but I always think back to how I used to be and wonder if I changed for the better or worse. I can say that my change most likely saved me from many painful moments, but I can also say that I have also missed out on many potential moments. For example, I had this group of friends that I would hang around with when I was in school. When I would hang around with them, I would converse with them, but not enough to have a back and forth conversation all the time. This would make me think that they weren’t very fond of me and that they probably felt stuck with me since I was already hanging around them, but that wasn’t the case. There were many times that they would make plans to go places and would usually invite me, but I would decline because I felt that they would have more fun without me. Then I’d later see them post about how much fun they had or hear them talk about it the next day, and realistically, I shouldn’t think anything of it because I didn’t go, but I do, and I regret it. As of right now, my view on relationships hasn’t really changed, but I do get other people’s opinions on it. I have been told that if I keep living like this I will feel like I haven’t really lived my life up to what it can fully be and I agree with that to some extent, but then I reflect on how my life is peaceful and simple at the moment and why wouldn’t I want that? Something that has stuck with me is that they told me that “life is filled with ups and downs because that’s just how life is and you have to deal with it, but if you don’t attempt things like that, you will only be filled with regret. See it as you don’t have control over what someone else does to you, but having this regret will always come back and be your fault”. I still think of that conversation whenever I have second thoughts on anything because I know that it’s true, but a part of me just doesn’t want to change. That leaves me in a weird situation where I second guess everything that I do because I feel like I have to decide which route I want to take and think about which one will be better for me later in life or which will have a better impact. Another thing that has influenced me is social media. Every person tends to want to have a picture-perfect relationship on social media, and that’s what they create. They only show the good side of their relationship or the fake persona of it and hide the rest of it behind closed doors. There were many YouTube family channels that I used to watch when I was younger that I forgot the names of, but most of them no longer do those channels anymore because of internal problems within their relationship . They would stop posting for a few days and then just post a video explaining everything that was going wrong. Since it was so common for most of the channels that I watched, I started to realize how on social media they only paint a fantasy and no relationship is as good as it seems on there. That led to me using social media less and trying to be less hooked on the online world because of how it can affect the way I view things. Also, the older that I became, the less I would watch those types of videos since I know the reality behind them and how they are used to trick the viewer . I have read about things that have been done to people or things people have done to others, and some of the situations just make you think that anything can happen, no matter who you are, how good of a person you are, or how close you are. It is honestly sad that it’s this way because, like I mentioned before, there are good people that don’t deserve this and shouldn’t have this happen to them, and no matter what they know, something like that can always happen to them and there is nothing they can do about it. This is why my view on relationships is that they aren’t good for you. While I may think about them in a positive way sometimes, it will always lead back to the negatives. Therefore, it may have been something for me in the past, but not as much now.